As your Head of House
by SalamanderLights
Summary: McGonagall's 'things you're not allowed to do at Hogwarts' letters - "I assure you that Severus has never and will never wear pink."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: There's probably many of these stories out there as it's based on the 'Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts' list.

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Dear Mr's Fred and George Weasley,

As your Head of House I must inform you that your behaviour this last week has been worse than atrocious! I know it's in your nature to be rambunctious but this is just not acceptable, if you do not take heed of my letter then I will be writing to your mother!

With that being said I must implore you that scaring the first years, though a slight tradition, must not be taken _that_ far! Taking them into the forest for a 'tour of the wildlife' and running off after hearing a 'scary noise' is absolutely no way to behave! The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

Secondly, there is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder. Never before have I heard of The House of Snape and its colours most certainly are not pink and black! And they definitely do not represent its namesake. I assure you that Severus has never and will never wear pink; charming his clothing or hair said colour does not constitute to making this 'house' real.

Speaking of which, Professor Snape does not appreciate you asking if the project he has you working on can be used as shampoo, and dislikes it even more so when asked to test it on him! You should realise that the Potions Master is a very prized member of the staff here at Hogwarts, however unsavoury he may be at times, and as such no qualms will be made over his mistreatment of you if this continues.

Your colleges too may have a problem with your recent behaviour, especially one Mr Wood. Between the pair of you, making up the most jokes about his name is _not_ a challenge. Never have I heard such a thing! Stop it now or I'll remove you both from the Quidditch team, I'm sure we can quite easily find two more beaters.

And as beaters, you should know by now that you hit the _bludger_! You do not launch house elves, cream pies, first years or dung bombs at your teammates! I may overlook the throwing of cream pies at opposing teams.

That does _not_ mean the Head of House of the opposing team. I don't know what your obsession is with Professor Snape at the moment but dressing yourselves in long black robes and patrolling the corridors hugging Slytherin's does not make you 'more like Severus' and is not acceptable. Neither are the huge bat wings you have taken to wearing around the man!

If this behaviour continues the two of you will find yourselves in detention for the rest of the year! Fred, that does not mean you can turn up late and claim you were 'stuck in your animagus form' which just happened to be 'a slow moving sloth' and say you tried to move 'as quick as you can with such long arms'. And George, you can't turn up in a pink swimsuit saying it's 'a side effect of licking Trevor'.

Who in Merlin's name is Trevor?

Your attitudes will not be tolerated much longer if situations of such a severe nature as those mentioned keep happening. I will, however, overlook the odd prank due to the fabulous incident with Trelawney and the Magic Eight Ball.

The only times I wish to see your faces are in class or during meals, not after hours or during detention. That means that I don't want you in detention, not that I wish you not to show up if you _somehow_ receive one.

Sincerely,

Professor McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Fred and George!

What did I tell the pair of you last time? This is my final warning before I owl your mother, and I mean it! I'll be honest and say I didn't expect you two to be perfect students after my last letter, but I certainly didn't think you're behaviour would or _could _get worse! How wrong I was.

Yes, Mr Creevey may want to branch out with his photography, but that does not mean you can offer to pose nude for the boy! Never have I seen anyone in such a state of shock. He's still in the Hospital Wing!

And imagine the shock I had upon opening a broom closet only to have a Portable Swamp spread exponentially from it! Do _not_ question why I was going into the cupboard Fred, and stop laughing George. I know full well you two are responsible for the unmoveable mess now gracing the fifth floor, and saying you have on 'good authority' that I have 'no evidence' does not hold true.

At least you didn't put any animals in there that could have hindered my escape.

Speaking of animals, _never _have I seen such a colourful array of birds enter the Great Hall in the morning. How you managed to keep them still long enough to dye them is beyond me. You best hope Mr Potter doesn't mind too much that his owl is now neon pink!

Not only are you not allowed to dye the owls, but it is also unacceptable to ink an owl's feet and have it walk across Professor Snape's desk, work or face. You should also know by now that when the man confronts you about his 'now ruined work' and the 'permanent ink upon his person' it is a bad idea to tell him he takes himself too seriously.

Why did you even make the ink permanent?

Again, I don't know what your obsession with Severus is, but wearing swords and 'blending in' with the suits of armour lining the Hogwarts corridors in attempt to 'protect him' from first years, Peeves and House elves will prove futile. I assure you he can take care of himself.

Also, Peeves may not countermand _any_ orders or instructions given to you by your Professors. So when I ask you to be at detention by seven, I expect you to turn up! Saying you were told by that damn poltergeist to look at the 'Horseybirds' is _not_ an excuse. And may I remind you that the correct term for 'Horseybirds' is Hippogriffs.

How the pair of you come up with these ridiculous things is beyond me, but I caution you to stop. Or at least ask of you to behave with more than a modicum of decency in front of the school governors! Referring to Mr Malfoy's cane as his 'pimping instrument' did not impress him, or anyone else for that matter. Do not use those words again. I _will_ know.

After threatening your removal from the Gryffindor Quidditch team in my last missive, I would have thought you to know and define what is and isn't a bludger, and the _use_ of said bludger. It is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. Proving otherwise is not tolerable.

One more incident and your parents _will_ be informed. You are disrupting the working attitude of the school with your 'pranks' and harassment of Severus. He does not appreciate the attention.

Be wary, Mr's Weasley. The entirety of the staff is now watching you.

Not-so-sincerely,

Professor McGonagall

Disgruntled teacher


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Dear Molly and Arthur,

I hope you are both doing well, but it has reached the point where I have to write you concerning your children's recent behaviour. I have asked Fred and George repeatedly to get their act together and have given out too many detentions to count, and even threats of removal from the Quidditch team have had no effect.

You, more than anyone, know full well how much the pair of them like to pull pranks on the general populous of Hogwarts, but _never _has it been such a problem.

Over the last few weeks they have introduced Peeves to the muggle sport of paintballing (never have more students gone to the hospital wing in _one_ day), attempted to sell 'invisibility thongs' to first years (need I say _anything_?) and have started taking bets about how long our current DADA professor will last.

I know we don't do well will our 'cursed' teaching staff, but relating our new Professor to a 'canary in a coal mine' is unacceptable behaviour, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Just yesterday the pair of them succeeded in sneaking into the Slytherin Common room and charming the entire place red and gold. How they got in there was quite a conundrum, but they claim to have used one of their aforementioned 'invisibility thongs' to do so.

They then charmed Professor Snape red and gold so that he matched the décor. Fred and George have been told repeatedly not to charm Severus into Gryffindor colours, or any other colours for that matter!

And never have I seen anyone with such an unhealthy _obsession_ with Severus than those two have.

As if I thought charming Severus's clothing would be the worst of it, they have taken to applauding everything the man says, which although amusing at first, has descended into tedious annoyance amongst the staff. I have also had to tell Fred repeatedly that Professor Snape is _not_ to be referred to as 'my liege' and that George is not to tell our first years that the man is the voice of Merlin!

I know I may sound harsh and angry, but after being the target of the boy's most recent food fight my temper is wearing thin. That, and they appear to have taken up where the Marauders have left off with both their attitude and the apparently undying need to refer to me as 'Minnie' which does my name no justice what so ever.

To add to their entourage of horror, they have not only attempted an exorcism on Mrs Norris after claiming she was embodied by evil, but then went on to exorcise Mr Filch _and _Severus. Yes, the man may be dour but he is far from evil; something your son's need to learn quickly before the man's impeccable self-control snaps!

Your _delightful_ sons have also recently donned holiday-themed ties instead of their mandatory Gryffindor ones. If that wasn't bad enough, their Christmas ties sing carols constantly, and I mean _constantly_. It's April! And to 'add to the Christmas feel of Hogwarts' we have found an increasing number of Gryffindor and Slytherin students stuck to walls and ceilings to 'decorate the place for the festivities'. Again, it's _April_.

Molly, I know you can discipline your boys better than anyone here up at the school; I implore you to send one of your infamous howlers. Anything to stop their disturbances.

Once again I hope this finds you well,

Minerva


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Fred and George sat in the Great Hall for breakfast, smiling smugly over their latest round of pranks. McGonagall hadn't done anything yet. That they knew of.

The usual post came in via owl halfway through the meal. After the first few weeks of school even the first years found the sight of the birds every morning rather uninteresting. Unless a howler arrived.

Every eye in the room followed the path of the owl with the red envelope as it arrived that particular morning. Even the teachers. One Transfiguration Professor in particular, who had a self-satisfied smirk upon her face, watched intently for how the letter would be received.

The grins upon the Weasley twin's faces faltered as the owl landed before them. They knew what had happened before the howler started its tirade. McGonagall had written to their mother. Their faces paled. Molly Weasley's shouting letters were feared by people who weren't even her children.

Without due warning, the red envelope became animated and _it_ started.

**FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY**

The stern voice of the Weasley matriarch echoed off the walls of the deathly silent Great Hall. Everyone wanted to know what the twin's mother had to say, not that they had to try hard. One and all within a mile of the school had no choice but to listen to Mrs Weasley at this point in time.

**Have you two no shame? I'm appalled that you even thought of such a thing as an **_**invisibility thong**_** let alone wanted to sell them to twelve year olds! How Arthur and I ever managed to create you two I'll never know!**

"One would think they'd know how to create children rather well" mused Harry who was sat opposite the red heads along with Hermione and Ron. "I mean, they've got seven of them."

At the glares he was now receiving from the three Weasley's around him, and Ginny slightly further down the table, he realised how his sentence could have been taken in a negative light.

"And you're all wonderful" he added quickly, winking in Ginny's direction.

"Apart from Percy" the youngest red head smiled back at him.

**Not to mention your thoughts about your current Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. Yes I know full well the past holders of that post have not been up to task, apart from Remus of course, but to insult them in such a way as to take bets on the length of their tenure at Hogwarts? Preposterous! And to believe I had raised the pair of you with respect and manners!**

"Pfft, manners" chuckled most of the Gryffindor's who had spent copious amounts of time around the red headed duo, breaking the silence that had settled once again.

"They've got more manners than Ronald has" piped up Ginny, glaring at her brother who was currently shovelling food into his mouth as if there were no tomorrow, seemingly undeterred by the raging voice of his mother that reached every nook and cranny in the surrounding room. Nothing could keep him from his food. And it was just a howler anyway; he had received his own fair share of them. It was nothing special.

Hermione nodded her agreement to Ginny's statement, glad that Harry was sat between her and the human food pit.

**And most importantly, what on earth is your problem with Severus?**

Muffled laughs and giggles broke out at just that one question. At the staff table, Professor Snape stiffened. It's all fun and games until you're dragged into it. This could not end well.

**Minerva, **_**not**_** Minnie, mentioned you attempted an **_**exorcism**_** on him? Why in the name of Merlin would you do that? Never have I been more ashamed of my own children. The last time you attempted something this horrendous I caught you turning Ron's teddy bear into a spider!**

Ron turned red at this, until he paled considerably as the terror of the memory once again washed over him. He even stopped eating.

**Only in your sick and twisted minds is that man **_**your liege.**_** Do I need to arrange therapy for the pair of you? He's a Potion's Master not a victim for your indefensible behaviour!**

"They most certainly need to take Molly up on that therapy" grunted Severus Snape from the front of the Hall "and at this rate I'll require it too."

**I want you two to apologise to him as soon as you're able, and you better damn well mean it or I'll come up to that school and imperio you!**

"You should probably apologise" shouted about half of the occupants of the Great Hall, all speaking in unison in an eerie reminder of the twin's unusual talent. None of them wanted the flame of fury that was one Molly Weasley _in_ the castle.

"If you two come anywhere near my person _ever_ again" came Snape's baritone voice, sweeping in waves around the room "I'll imperio you myself!"

**Maybe then I can also get you to stop charming students to the walls! What if they fell off? What if they ended up in the Hospital Wing? What if they **_**fell**_** on someone? I raised you better than this! I thought that ruckus you called behaviour would be something you would grow out of, like that stage you went through were you just **_**had**_** be naked at all times. How wrong I was!**

"You pair used to run around naked?" chocked Hermione after taking a sip of pumpkin juice when Mrs Weasley's tirade lulled momentarily.

"They did" blanched Ginny, going red in the face mere seconds later.

"Thank Merlin they grew out of it" offered Ron into the conversation.

"Imagine if they still did it here?" a voice in the mass of students said. "Hogwarts would never be the same again. The occupants of the portraits would flee to who knew where. I fancy most people would walk around with blindfolds, thus increasing the number of people with wall related broken noses. Oh the horror!"

"Then we can be thankful that they do not" snapped a voice in return.

**And put on your damn **_**school**_** ties!**

As the red envelope finally burnt to ashes and the last notes of Mrs Weasley's piecing voice faded into nothingness, leaving the attendees of breakfast with mild hearing problems, Fred and George Weasley spoke for the first time since the post arrived.

"Did we do something wrong?"


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Mr's Weasley,

One would have thought you would take heed of your mother's word, and my own. I _will_ imperio you if this doesn't stop. And as much as I could express my upmost distaste for the pair of you, I will put this simply.

Leave. Me. Alone.

Breaking into song in _my_ classroom is unheard of. You know how you're meant to brew potions by now. In silence. You're lucky I gave you detention with Filch and not myself, if the pair of _ever_ serenade me again, I will destroy you. On that note, my given name is _not_ Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles and if you _dare_ suggest such a thing again you will both wish that I _had_ annihilated you!

After the recent incidents, I'm starting to believe you dunderheads have a vendetta against my Slytherin's. Sending some of your products – Fainting Fancies I believe you have called them – into the Slytherin common room is not acceptable. Neither is leaving a note declaring they are for the 'prettiest girl in the house'. Imagine my surprise when I entered the common room in the evening to find _half the house_ passed out on the floor. I'm thanking Merlin that Poppy now stocks the antidotes to all of your annoying, misleading and unfortunately-not-forbidden food stuffs.

Speaking of food, it's my duty as a teacher to reprimand you for accusations made against fellow students and staff. Miss Lovegood is not _always_ on psychedelic mushrooms and you should stop implying that she is. The same goes for Professor Trelawney, although I do believe that the old bint is on _something_. But you didn't hear that from me.

What I don't believe though, is that you saw Mr Malfoy doing unspeakable things with Miss Chang, Mr Crabbe or Mr Goyle in the girl's bathroom. I have faith that no such thing occurred - or will _ever_ occur - and therefore I order you to stop spreading such inane gossip and announcing it loudly in the Great Hall when informing _Potter_.

On the subject of Mr Malfoy, it is inappropriate to transfigure his uniform into a gold thong. Especially if he is wearing it. I'm positive that Minerva does not teach that spell in her classes, which leads me to think the pair of you _entered the library_? And to think I couldn't get a bigger shock then _that_. But if I have to remind you that robes are _not_ optional, then it appears that I was mistaken.

Keep your clothes on at _all times_. Hogwarts is not a nudist colony, and Professor Trelawney did not predict that it would become one. Therefore you are _not_ fulfilling the prophecy by gallivanting about stark-naked. Your mother said you had long since grown out of that stage! Imagine her surprise if she were informed you both had regressed back into it?

Not that I'm resorting to blackmail.

Once again, leave me and my students alone and you may well survive the rest of your tenure here at Hogwarts.

Warnings and threats,

Professor Snape

Head of Slytherin House


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Dear Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles,

We were delighted to receive your letter! In fact, we had to rip it in two and keep half each under our pillows! It smelt like you. Spice, sexiness and rainbows.

Don't say you didn't just _love_ our song, Princess. You were smiling, well smirking. Your Slytherin's loved it too. They were probably jealous. And let us reassure you that we do not have a grudge against anyone, especially the snakes. It's not our fault if we are drawn to the colour green. And what a lovely shade of green it is. Did you choose it? We commend you. It's almost as if you're a fashion expert.

Thanks for the report back on the Fainting Fancies. _Half the house_ you say? My, my, we weren't expecting that. Who knew the girls of green were so vain? Or stupid? How could they continue eating them after they started dropping like flies? We have new admiration for you now Mr GlimmerMcSparkles; putting up with that bunch must be an arduous task.

Now Sir, Harry just _had_ to know what Malfoy was doing in the toilets. Wouldn't you want to know if your enemy was getting off with his sidekicks with Moaning Myrtle looming over them? We are sure that that would bring a smile to your face if you were capable of such things. And besides, he looks better in a golden thong than robes. Thus we must retract our previous complement about your fashion expertise; how could you let Ferret Boy walk around in such unflattering robes when other options were just waiting to be explored?

You wouldn't blackmail us with our mother, would you Princess? Because two people can play at that game. Professor Trelawney is on something you say? Did _you_ put her on it? Is that why you're so sure? Don't worry; your secret is _not_ safe with us.

We await your next sweet-smelling missive.

Love and rainbows,

Gred and Forge


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Mr's Weasley,

Writing to you is becoming tiresome. Please, I implore you to stop making this necessary.

Professor Snape came to me recently with a highly amusing – although you didn't hear that from me – and rather ghastly letter from the pair of you.

You knocked out _half_ of his house? Unacceptable! You should be setting examples for the younger students. But of course I've long since known that that is problematic for you two. On a lighter note, I only wish you had set up a camera to capture the look on that man's face when he went to check on his students. I imagine it to be an expression similar to the grimace he wore when Professor Trelawney asked him to dance last Christmas! Oh my.

But that, along with your usual antics, has me _one _sheet of parchment away from writing once again to Molly. You did, after all, manage to behave for an _entire_ couple of days after her _marvellous _howler. If a howler a week is what it'll take for the pair of you to cease clowning around, then so be it!

At mention of your now-almost-customary tomfoolery, again I find it my arduous duty to remind you that yes, we may have a dance upcoming, but no, Severus is _not_ an appropriate date. Neither is the _Giant Squid_. It lives in a _lake_ for crying out loud! How did you expect to dress it up and accompany it into the castle? How did you expect to _dance_ with it? And you know full well that you should call the Head of Slytherin House _Professor Snape_ and not Severus. And especially not Glitter McSparkles or whatever the hell that _distressing _name was. May I also take this opportunity to remind you once again that is he is not Merlin. Please, you're giving the muggle-born's incorrect views of our world, and to be honest, even I'm starting to get disconcerted by the idea of 'the great bat of the dungeons' being such a friendly and prestige fellow.

On the topic of Slytherin's – yes, Merlin was a Slytherin – you should not be using socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin House mascot. Socks are for your _feet_. And if you do insist on wearing them on other parts of your bodies then could the pair of you at least _wash_ them first?

Oh and don't even get me started about washing! Yes, personal hygiene is paramount to indulge in – preferable once _every_ day – but whilst showering, will you please refrain from referring to it as 'giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful'. I assure you, that ghost does not need to be traumatised any more than she already is. And if anyone else has to come to me to complain that you're, and I quote, 'giving Myrtle more reasons to moan' then so help me I'll give you so many _nasty_ detentions that you'll_ never_ be clean again!

Trust me; you'll need all your Gryffindor courage for some of the punishments I'm thinking up for the both of you. And not the type of courage that you two seem to think comes in bottles labelled 'Firewhiskey'. How the _hell_ you got such a drink into the castle is beyond me, but giving it to third years so that they wouldn't 'cower in fear of Snape' almost makes you a disgrace to my House. The poor things vomited on his shoes! You best be thankful that they didn't turn you in, I hear that what Professor Snape has them doing for detention will _almost_ rival what _I_ have planned!

Pride and annoyance,

Professor McGonagall

P.S. If the thought of a spell makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that you are not allowed to use it. For example, I am hereby banning you from using the 'engorgio' spell again unless specifically asked to do so by a _teacher_ and in a classroom environment.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

FRED AND GEORGE!

For the sake of Merlin, and my sanity, what is it going to take for you two to act with just a modicum of respect or decency? The pair of you should have been expelled by now for your constant attack on the staff. However, since you mainly interact with Professor Snape, it is my belief that the Headmaster rather likes your presence here instead of despises it.

Human contact is good for Severus, apparently.

But that is _not_ any sort of premission to touch him.

You are hereby banned from enchanting any sort of animate or inanimate object, specifically pink, girly, stuffed animals. Such items should be on shelves or duvets, not sneaking around the school hugging people whom you have an abhorrence for whilst in front of large crowds of people. Severus almost had a coronary when that vivid toy giraffe practically attacked him at breakfast! And I thought you _liked_ the guy?

I also thought the pair of you steered clear from pink; thinking it looked better on a certain aforementioned Potion's Master? Then why, do tell, did you dye not only the walls, but the _entire_ castle, varying shades of that putrid colour? Don't even think of denying it, you two. Who else – and this is _not_ a complement – could come up with such a bothersome spell? You turn this school back to normal _right now_.

As if it wasn't bad enough inviting the Governors into a neon pink school, we then seem to be incapable of producing polite students to somewhat redeem it! Lucius Malfoy is _not_ your 'sugar daddy' and you will not claim such a thing ever again! That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot. You are male. The pair of you. You should not be wanting after such a distasteful thing from Mr Malfoy.

In these past weeks I have been informed by no less than three people that the level of crudeness the pair of you shows has increased exponentially. You will not ask Draco Malfoy if Professor Snape is good in bed; such things are not only wrong in Merlin's eyes, but think of the school rules! You will also not ask Draco about Harry Potter. You will then not ask Harry about Draco _or_ Professor Snape. And most importantly, you will not ask Snape if Lucius Malfoy is good in bed. What people do in their private lives is just that, _private_!

May I take this moment to add that the staff have plenty of work to be getting on with in our free time, and as such have no interest in going down 'to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty' and you should stop sending invitation to the abovementioned place. Yes, I know it's you; the letters are signed by 'Sevvy McSparkles' therefore it _has_ to be you two. You need to learn a lesson in subtlety.

This is my _final_ warning before I once again write your mother; Mrs Norris does not like playing with blast-ended Skrewts. Neither does anybody else.

Stop causing distractions and focus on your education; what's left of it at least.

I'm watching you,

Professor McGonagall

P.S. You are no longer allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again. You know why.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

Mr's Fred and George Weasley,

Might I take the time to congratulate the pair of you on your recent ingenious ideas? Never would I have thought to dye my school pink, and I know Minerva does not approve, but I myself adore it. You simply must give me the spell for this; it will be fantastic for Valentine Day. Oh my, it would make for a good day; you should've seen Severus's face earlier when he came to rage about Hogwarts's current colour scheme.

Between you and me, he was blue in face by the end of his ranting.

About time he 'let it all out' so to speak.

There was this one moment when he yelled '_I'll have them in detention every day at dusk for years for this, Albus!_' I suppose this stunt did have Weasley Twins written all over it, but anyway, you can imagine my response can't you? '_Dusk? Severus. Do you want them for detention or duelling?_' Suffice to say if I were the pair of you I'd be watching my backs.

I would also keep this letter hush hush or the staff will have my back!

Again.

On a different note, I'm sure Severus likes you really, boys. He isn't all sour grapes. But might I suggest that instead of bestowing upon him neon stuffed toys and inked owls, you present him with a meal of oysters and Firewhiskey? You need to wine and dine him if you ever want to see that man smile.

As for your next trick, I would love to see something involving the mass production of lemon drops. Perhaps you could enchant sweet producing trees into every alcove? Oh that would be good. Don't worry; if we do all this at night then I'll charm them all so that Minerva can't view them. Wouldn't that be marvellous? She'll never know!

Arrange a date and time and I'll see you then.

Salutations,

Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry


End file.
